Night Owl Confessions, Musings and Other Posts.
This following story occurred 7 years ago, which honestly seems like it was a lifetime ago...
Night Owl Confession #5.29.2010
So if Sarah Silverman can write a book about her being a bedwetter, than I figure I can write about today’s incident and still be in good company. BTW, Sarah Silverman’s “The Bedwetter: Stories of Courage, Redemption and Pee” is HILARIOUS! I highly recommend it. With that said I would like to extend a TMI warning to this blog. I thought long and hard about it and I still find it hilarious. You have been warned.
Do you ever have an event happen to you and you immediately think of a scene in a movie? And not like a nice, warm and fuzzy scene, but one you thought was hilarious because it appeared SO unlikely to happen? And when it happens to you, you cannot even believe it just happened and you try to remember the rest of the movie to see how the actor took care of the same situation but for whatever reason you cannot!!! Today I had THAT moment!
I had an appraisal today in suburbia. For once I was excited because THIS appraisal was not going to be fucked up like the others I have had lately. A nice big house in a nice normal neighborhood! And it had the added bonus of being a vacant home so I had no annoying or creepy homeowner to follow me around as I took my measurements. Today was going to be a good day!
I arrived at the home and took my time measuring and taking pictures. I was enjoying the summer sun as I walked around the home noting fantastic features. I finished with the outside and I approach the front door. I enter the lockbox combo, grab the key and unlock the front door. I walk into the home and it is beautiful. Hardwood floors throughout the main level, vaulted ceilings and a fancy staircase. I close the door behind me after I determine I am actually alone in the house and I lock the door behind me so no creepies come in while I’m in there. The house has been shut up for a while so the inside is hot and stuffy. I take my notes and some more pictures….and then….my stomach is not feeling good. I move onto the upstairs and take more measurements and I am now feeling a loud “call of nature!” A “#2 call of nature” to be exact! I go into an upstairs bathroom and see the bathroom has toilet paper. Score! Normally I NEVER use anything in a house I am appraising. People offer me drinks and I decline. If nature comes a calling, I always find a nearby gas station or coffee shop. But today’s home was in a suburbia that was nothing but rooftops and bike paths! I knew it would be a good long drive before I found a bathroom.
So I walk into the bathroom and flush the toilet for good measure. It flushed fine! SO I proceed to sit down and do my “lady business.” I finish up, pull my pants up and turn to flush the toilet. I reach out; pull the handle down and NOTHING! I try again! NOTHING! I desperately start jiggling the handle and NOTHING!!!!!!!!! I lift the toilet tank lid off and THERE IS NO WATER!!!!!! All other utilities were on BUT NOT THE WATER!!!! I felt exactly like Harry (Jeff Daniels) from Dumb and Dumber where he uses Mary’s bathroom, had explosive diarrhea (mine was not) and then she knocks on the bathroom door and says “You aren’t using the toilet, are you? It doesn’t work” Then Harry freaks out! Well I did too!!!!
I started to panic! This was a nice ass house and I’m pretty sure they would notice if someone threw down a dooker and didn’t flush! I considered calling Ryan and waking him up early to help me in this situation! I considered fabricating a story about how I had a kid that used the bathroom when I wasn’t looking or that I was babysitting one while I was on the appraisal. What if the new homeowner had access to DNA testing, collected my “evidence” and then found I was the Vacant House Pooher!!! I could see the headlines on the front page of the newspaper now!!! I was mortified to say the least!
I stopped to collect my thoughts. Think Kerri! Think! I had a Starbucks cup in the car…..thinking, thinking….I run over to the other upstairs bathroom, pull the toilet tank lid off and look in! WATER!!!!! I go downstairs to retrieve my empty coffee cup (very thankful I drink iced coffee drinks because of the plastic cup! Also VERY thankful I didn’t bring my own reusable iced coffee cup that day) With my Starbucks plastic cup, I walk past the pantry and see an empty red plastic cup so I grabbed that too! So I am now armed with 2 plastic cups and I head to the other upstairs bathroom and start to fill my cups up with the toilet tank water, walk down the hallway and pour the water into the “problem toilet’s” water tank. I empty that toilet and I’m now trying to milk what I can from the faucets. Filling my cups with precious water to flush my evidence. The house was hot, I was running around like crazy and I was feeling panicked! Out of water on the upper floor, I headed down to the main level. I open up the toilet tank in the half bathroom and I am stopped by the new “water conservation” float in that toilet! I’m all for water conservation usually BUT NOT NOW!!!!!
THANK little baby Jesus that they had a finished basement with another bathroom!!!! I rush down to the basement, open up the toilet tank and WATER!!!!!! I am now LITERALLY walking up and down 2 flights of stairs carrying plastic cups filled with clean toilet water so I can flush out some dirty toilet water!!!!! I’m not only building up a good sweat but I am also getting my cardio in for the day!!! I walked up and down those 2 flights of stairs probably 10 times! Each time walking across the hardwood floors saying out loud “don’t drop the water, don’t drop the water!” Then each time as I walk past the large bedroom window I’m thinking “Can the neighbors see me? What if they can? They’ll wonder why I am carrying a red cup. What if they come over right now to check?” See why I lock the front door behind me now? I guess in retrospect, it’s to lock the “creepy” i.e. me inside, not keep the creepies out.
Each time I dump the plastic cup water into the toilet tank I’m thinking “is that enough for a flush?” I only get one shot here! Am I ready for this? I decide I am! I put my cups down, swallowed some pride and then reached out and….. FLUSH! I lift the lid back up and it wasn’t an EXCELLENT job as I hoped….but it was 75% better! I close the lid; adjust the bathroom door as to say “sure it’s a toilet closet in the bathroom….no need to look further”
I walk down the stairs out to the garage and open the side door to place my 2 plastic cups in the garbage can on the side of the house while I pretend to “look at something else ‘appraisery’ like and walk back inside. I then clean myself and personal possessions off with my wet wipes. I walk casually out the front door, locking it behind me. While on the front porch, I open my clip board, pretend to write notes about plumbing …probably more about mine than the houses! Then I try to do my “walk of shame” to my car without it really looking like any or all this had happened. Because this is a normal house in a normal neighborhood, however, I obviously am not your normal girl!
This whole experience was surreal and mortifying! I have never been more embarrassed than I was today and there was no one really there to even see it…THANKFULLY!!!! As I drove home, I stopped for lunch at Panera Bread, ordered my lunch, sat down and started laughing. Like crazy laughing with tears and all!!! Why the hell did I chose to do anything I did today? It was bizarre for even me!!! Then I kept replaying the scene from Dumb and Dumber in my head and it got even funnier! Today was a total nightmare! I’m not proud! But as I look back, this was really funny!!!! How can I not share this story? I hope if you read this, you enjoy it…maybe not the topic so much…but that fact that even now I can laugh at myself and still share.
Today my spirit animal is Dragon Ass from when I worked at the NOCO Hemp Festival, butt only because I am dragging ass.
This night owl needs a nap.
Night Owl Confession #5.19.17-
I'm the friend who will always pickup a beloved friend from the airport late at night. Apparently, this is deemed "weird". I see it as a living yin and yang.
The reasons why I love the airport are as followed:
I never traveled on an airplane until I was in 8th grade, and that was to visit my aunt and her family in Salt Lake City. I still have never been to Disney. I travel, maybe, once or twice a decade.
I love the quiet time in my car on the drive down. Just me and my beloved radio.
This will be the complete opposite experience during the ride back. I am aware.
I love seeing the most hated statue in Colorado. The blue horse with fiery eyes is such a grand vision at night. I'm also aware it killed its creator. As an artist, well... You know what? That's how I want to go. I love the image, the sculpture and the lore that follows.
I LOVE the sign "departures & arrivals" I sense the emotions attached to each word as people drive towards the airport. Sadness. Anticipation. Once again, a yin and yang.
I have my pickup routine down pretty solid. In and out under an hour and that includes a greet at the gate. I'm a parking pro.
While I wait for my friend(s), I get to take in the visual treat of the circus tent architecture and the metal columns. Ground meets sky. I have taken this photo so many times because I love it SO much. This is my favorite eye candy, by far.
Then I get to people watch. I sit and witness how people of every walk and every nationality wait eagerly for their beloveds. Grumpy. Nervous. Excited. Some with sleeping children in footie pajamas wrapped around them as they wait. Each time, people's faces light up when they finally see "their person" in the crowd. Hugs, smiles and high fives. This sight always switches their moods 180 degrees within seconds.
Then comes my time to step up to the bar and wait for "my people" Smiles and hugs are always guaranteed.
Arrivals and Departures.
Or is it?
All I know that is certain is instead of listening to the radio, I'll be listening to my friend the entire way home talk about their trip.
I was recently reminiscing about when I worked part-time at Barnes & Noble, and this is still one of those haunting memories. I bounce back and forth about my post-it note postings. It seems that each time I am reminded of it; I end up revisiting this activity.
My personal goal in life is to try and spread good cheer, laughter and beauty along to those in my life. To my friends, my family or strangers, through conversations, artwork, emails, interactions, social media and blogs. Now my topic tonight is not about my usual aliens, trailers or fart jokes. This is a whole different Oprah.
You are beautiful.
I think these words are very important for people... especially women to hear. If you are lucky enough to hear these 3 words everyday, then great for you. But I feel as a society we have such a skewed opinion of beauty that it is becoming impossible to feel beauty without the help of witch-craft trickery or expensive products and procedures. This year I have taken it upon myself to give people compliments as I think them. I have also tried to reach out to strangers and pay a compliment forward. As most of you know, I work part-time at B&N. Everyday I see people come in and ask for titles of books about topics that vary. I do not judge these people who have the courage to ask for books about self mutilation or dealing with an abusive relationship. Instead I offer any assistance I can provide. I help people looking for diet books and self-improvement books. If the contents of the pages will help these people in any way than I am always willing to help someone find a proper book to help them increase their knowledge on whatever topic they desire. I see a lot of people who are outgoing enough to ask but more so I seek out people who look lost within the bookshelves.
My job here at the bookstore has inspired me to, every day before my shift, write "You Are Beautiful" on a post-it note and stick it to the mirror in the women's bathroom. I do this for the women who pass through the door of the restroom and will hopefully gaze upon the mirror and see right next to their reflection the positive message that every woman needs to hear. No matter their race, age, abilities, weight, height. Married, single, straight or gay. We all deserve to hear it, feel it and know it.
I would like to think that this may have a reaction on the customer attitudes who shop within our store on the day of my message. I know that seems vain or biased, but I really do believe people who see my message are in a happier mood. I also like knowing that of all days I have posted my message, that the post-it has remained on the mirror for the enitire day. Only once was it removed within minutes or hours of my posting it and I hope the person who took it down was the one person that needed it hear it the most.
This note or blog is being written as an attempt to make up for a day...this past Saturday...where I had forgotten to put the message up on the mirror. It was on this day, that I came across a person who I wished would have seen it. Late in the evening, I saw a teenage girl hiding in the manga section reading a book. Her head was constantly down, with her nose in the book and she avoided interaction. I noticed her behavior and shyness and made it a point to go over and ask her if she was finding everything ok and if she had any questions then she could ask me. As I approached her, it was here where I noticed the top of her head. She had red hair tied back in a ponytail and an inch of white roots. Her eyes looked up and I saw she had black mascara on to hide her white eyelashes. When her eyes looked at mine I saw that she was truely what I had thought she was...an albino. Her irises were a teal/blue color and her pupils were a darken reddish color. Striking because they were not like any eye color I have ever seen. She was doing her best to fit in by applying color where ever she could, but her eyes could not hide what she really was. I spoke with her for a bit. A polite conversation, but I could sense her uneasiness. I feel like on the one day where I meet someone who has this unconventional beauty that I am certain goes unnoticed, it is of course this 1 day that I forget to spread my important message. I hope my actions towards her made her feel accepted or maybe I am putting too much thought into it. However, this has been my regret since yesterday/ Saturday.
I would like to pass the story and message to all of my friends. I would also like a chance to personally tell every one that "you are beautiful". I think as women, we are raised to believe in competition and cattiness. That there is a pecking order of beauty. I too, believed this. Now I am not declaring that I am perfect. Nor do I claim the "cat" doesn't come out every now and then. But I am aware of this and am trying to change it. I would like to encourage all of you to also engage in the spreading of this message. A post-it note on a public restroom mirror. A conscious effort of passing along a compliment to a friend or stranger. It could change a bad day into a good day, but it will at least change an attitude.
But please remember.. you are beautiful!
Who has 2 thumbs and just got accepted into the Tiny Monster Art Show in California? This guy, and his cousin!
I'm super proud to have 2 of my little monster pieces juried into the Tiny Monster Art Show at the FE Gallery in Sacramento, California. The show isn't until August and September, but I'm excited for them now!
I was recently hired for a street art project for Downtown Loveland's "Night on the Town" event. Armed with a new box of chalk pastels, I wandered the streets looking for inspiration. I spotted a lonely little weed that needed a friend. Little did I know, this little doodle would become the talk of the town. I suffered from an ant hill attack while I sketched one of my favorite childhood heroes so forgive his unfinished look. Regardless, he was instantly recognizable to all that passed him.