Night Owl Confessions, Musings and Other Posts.
This following story occurred 7 years ago, which honestly seems like it was a lifetime ago...
Night Owl Confession #5.29.2010
So if Sarah Silverman can write a book about her being a bedwetter, than I figure I can write about today’s incident and still be in good company. BTW, Sarah Silverman’s “The Bedwetter: Stories of Courage, Redemption and Pee” is HILARIOUS! I highly recommend it. With that said I would like to extend a TMI warning to this blog. I thought long and hard about it and I still find it hilarious. You have been warned.
Do you ever have an event happen to you and you immediately think of a scene in a movie? And not like a nice, warm and fuzzy scene, but one you thought was hilarious because it appeared SO unlikely to happen? And when it happens to you, you cannot even believe it just happened and you try to remember the rest of the movie to see how the actor took care of the same situation but for whatever reason you cannot!!! Today I had THAT moment!
I had an appraisal today in suburbia. For once I was excited because THIS appraisal was not going to be fucked up like the others I have had lately. A nice big house in a nice normal neighborhood! And it had the added bonus of being a vacant home so I had no annoying or creepy homeowner to follow me around as I took my measurements. Today was going to be a good day!
I arrived at the home and took my time measuring and taking pictures. I was enjoying the summer sun as I walked around the home noting fantastic features. I finished with the outside and I approach the front door. I enter the lockbox combo, grab the key and unlock the front door. I walk into the home and it is beautiful. Hardwood floors throughout the main level, vaulted ceilings and a fancy staircase. I close the door behind me after I determine I am actually alone in the house and I lock the door behind me so no creepies come in while I’m in there. The house has been shut up for a while so the inside is hot and stuffy. I take my notes and some more pictures….and then….my stomach is not feeling good. I move onto the upstairs and take more measurements and I am now feeling a loud “call of nature!” A “#2 call of nature” to be exact! I go into an upstairs bathroom and see the bathroom has toilet paper. Score! Normally I NEVER use anything in a house I am appraising. People offer me drinks and I decline. If nature comes a calling, I always find a nearby gas station or coffee shop. But today’s home was in a suburbia that was nothing but rooftops and bike paths! I knew it would be a good long drive before I found a bathroom.
So I walk into the bathroom and flush the toilet for good measure. It flushed fine! SO I proceed to sit down and do my “lady business.” I finish up, pull my pants up and turn to flush the toilet. I reach out; pull the handle down and NOTHING! I try again! NOTHING! I desperately start jiggling the handle and NOTHING!!!!!!!!! I lift the toilet tank lid off and THERE IS NO WATER!!!!!! All other utilities were on BUT NOT THE WATER!!!! I felt exactly like Harry (Jeff Daniels) from Dumb and Dumber where he uses Mary’s bathroom, had explosive diarrhea (mine was not) and then she knocks on the bathroom door and says “You aren’t using the toilet, are you? It doesn’t work” Then Harry freaks out! Well I did too!!!!
I started to panic! This was a nice ass house and I’m pretty sure they would notice if someone threw down a dooker and didn’t flush! I considered calling Ryan and waking him up early to help me in this situation! I considered fabricating a story about how I had a kid that used the bathroom when I wasn’t looking or that I was babysitting one while I was on the appraisal. What if the new homeowner had access to DNA testing, collected my “evidence” and then found I was the Vacant House Pooher!!! I could see the headlines on the front page of the newspaper now!!! I was mortified to say the least!
I stopped to collect my thoughts. Think Kerri! Think! I had a Starbucks cup in the car…..thinking, thinking….I run over to the other upstairs bathroom, pull the toilet tank lid off and look in! WATER!!!!! I go downstairs to retrieve my empty coffee cup (very thankful I drink iced coffee drinks because of the plastic cup! Also VERY thankful I didn’t bring my own reusable iced coffee cup that day) With my Starbucks plastic cup, I walk past the pantry and see an empty red plastic cup so I grabbed that too! So I am now armed with 2 plastic cups and I head to the other upstairs bathroom and start to fill my cups up with the toilet tank water, walk down the hallway and pour the water into the “problem toilet’s” water tank. I empty that toilet and I’m now trying to milk what I can from the faucets. Filling my cups with precious water to flush my evidence. The house was hot, I was running around like crazy and I was feeling panicked! Out of water on the upper floor, I headed down to the main level. I open up the toilet tank in the half bathroom and I am stopped by the new “water conservation” float in that toilet! I’m all for water conservation usually BUT NOT NOW!!!!!
THANK little baby Jesus that they had a finished basement with another bathroom!!!! I rush down to the basement, open up the toilet tank and WATER!!!!!! I am now LITERALLY walking up and down 2 flights of stairs carrying plastic cups filled with clean toilet water so I can flush out some dirty toilet water!!!!! I’m not only building up a good sweat but I am also getting my cardio in for the day!!! I walked up and down those 2 flights of stairs probably 10 times! Each time walking across the hardwood floors saying out loud “don’t drop the water, don’t drop the water!” Then each time as I walk past the large bedroom window I’m thinking “Can the neighbors see me? What if they can? They’ll wonder why I am carrying a red cup. What if they come over right now to check?” See why I lock the front door behind me now? I guess in retrospect, it’s to lock the “creepy” i.e. me inside, not keep the creepies out.
Each time I dump the plastic cup water into the toilet tank I’m thinking “is that enough for a flush?” I only get one shot here! Am I ready for this? I decide I am! I put my cups down, swallowed some pride and then reached out and….. FLUSH! I lift the lid back up and it wasn’t an EXCELLENT job as I hoped….but it was 75% better! I close the lid; adjust the bathroom door as to say “sure it’s a toilet closet in the bathroom….no need to look further”
I walk down the stairs out to the garage and open the side door to place my 2 plastic cups in the garbage can on the side of the house while I pretend to “look at something else ‘appraisery’ like and walk back inside. I then clean myself and personal possessions off with my wet wipes. I walk casually out the front door, locking it behind me. While on the front porch, I open my clip board, pretend to write notes about plumbing …probably more about mine than the houses! Then I try to do my “walk of shame” to my car without it really looking like any or all this had happened. Because this is a normal house in a normal neighborhood, however, I obviously am not your normal girl!
This whole experience was surreal and mortifying! I have never been more embarrassed than I was today and there was no one really there to even see it…THANKFULLY!!!! As I drove home, I stopped for lunch at Panera Bread, ordered my lunch, sat down and started laughing. Like crazy laughing with tears and all!!! Why the hell did I chose to do anything I did today? It was bizarre for even me!!! Then I kept replaying the scene from Dumb and Dumber in my head and it got even funnier! Today was a total nightmare! I’m not proud! But as I look back, this was really funny!!!! How can I not share this story? I hope if you read this, you enjoy it…maybe not the topic so much…but that fact that even now I can laugh at myself and still share.